Hope Box Donation

In October I had posted that my MOPS group had decided to do Hope Boxes for our service project this year.  You can read my post here about how it all came together as well as my devotion that I gave - A Time to Remember.  

As we started our fundraiser, I truly had no idea where it would end. Our fundraising went on right before the end of the year and we collected over $3100 for Hope Boxes.  I was overjoyed.  It made my heart happy to see that a group of women would embrace this, feel connected to this, and most importantly want to support / minister to women that will go through something so devastating.  Our Hope Box gathering took place March 3rd right before Spencer's 2nd Heavenly Birthday.  We were able to make 80 boxes that night and we then divided the boxes up to be delivered to local hospitals in our area.    

Hope Boxes contain the following:
Bible
One Year Book of Hope
Journal
Book Marks
Information about Hope Mommies
Tissue
Tea and Coffee
Candle
Hand print / Footprint Cards
Personal Note from our MOPS group

Below is pictures from our Hope Box gathering and some of our donations that we made. 

Thank you to these women for your help in making this happen, without you none of this would have been possible.

We were able to make this delivery on Spencer's 2nd Heavenly Birthday to the hospital where he was born.  This was my nurse who assisted my doctor in our delivery with Spencer.  She has a very special place in our my heart and always will.

Our delivery to Texas Children's Hospital.  The boxes were placed in the bereavement room that was created for parents to spend there final moments with their child before Jesus welcomes them into His loving arms.  This was extremely special to myself and my friend (next to me) as both of our boys had LUTO and we were under the same care of doctors.  Her son was born January 2015 and went to be with Jesus in May of the same year.  

For more information about setting up a Hope Box gathering or Hope Mommies please go to:  Hope Box Gathering or Hope Mommies

Thank you for those that made this possible and your prayerful consideration to donate to a ministry that believes in the Hope of Christ.  Thank you for those that helped put the boxes together and prayed over them as we delivered them to hospitals.  Our prayers continue for those families that might receive one of these boxes that they might find comfort, peace, and most of all Hope.  

Merry Christmas Spencer

Merry Christmas Spencer!

This is our second Christmas without you here, another day where I wonder what you are doing up in heaven and what you would be doing if you where here with us. 

What is Christmas like is Heaven?  Do you celebrate by praising our savior for being born?  Does Jesus have a huge birthday cake where you all sing "Happy Birthday" to Him in unison?  What do you get someone that has everything?  I can only imagine that Christmas in heaven is beautiful and I absolutely can not wait for you to show me how Christmas is really done. 

I wonder a lot what it would be like with you here with us. Would you be more mesmerized with the boxes your gifts came in than the gift itself?  Would you know how to open your gifts or would your big brother have to help you?  Would I have even put my good ornaments on the Christmas tree this year or would I be telling you to leave the tree alone at all?

We love you Spencer and we miss you always. 

Time seems to be going by so quickly but I remind myself often I am one day closer to getting to hold my baby again.  The holidays are never easy when you miss someone that has died. It is always a time I feel like we long for our Spencer more and although this Christmas seems easier than the last it doesn't mean that I don't think about what it would be like if he was here THIS year.  

Since last year I have been searching aimlessly for the perfect ornament to put on our tree to go along with ours.  See, my husband and I have a Precious Moments for our first Christmas we were married, my son has a Precious Moments for his first Christmas, and our angel that tops our tree is Precious Moments.  So I have been hunting for a Precious Moments ornament for Spencer but I did not want a baby's first Christmas since technically he did not have that with us.  As I am searching this year again, I find the one, the PERFECT one!!   I was so happy and overjoyed that I found it.

Right before Christmas as my son and I were coming home after I picked him up from school a song came on the radio.  I don't recall hearing the song before but I felt like it was a good reminder for me to trust God.  I know that sometimes I have moments where I question Him but in the end I need to trust that He is holding me and has a plan that is perfect for me.  
  

As we head home from my husband's parents for our family Christmas we stopped by Spencer's grave.  We were unable to around Christmas time due to the rain we had received in the Houston area.  It is so peaceful where he is buried and we really love the place we chose.  Below is some of the pictures from our visit at Spencer's grave.  

Bubbles for brother.

My son is into silly pictures now.  

A Time to Remember

As you may remember, my family has moved closer to downtown to be near my husband's work.  Before moving I joined a MOPS group close to where we would be and before it started for the semester I was asked to be on the leadership team.  Being part of this group has truly been a blessing and definitely a God thing.  

I attend my first leadership meeting where I meet our coordinator and other members of the team.  As we talked about how the semester and year has been planned out, the topic of our semester service project came up.  As I sat and listened to what they would like to do and suggestions that they had, I kept getting this sinking feeling that God wanted me to talk about Spencer.  As I am sure many moms feel the same way I did that night, I did not want to introduce myself as a mom who just recently buried their child.  I continued to shrug off the God nudge I kept getting, but then the door opened so I peeked through it.  I simply stated that October is Infant Loss Awareness Month and specifically October 15th is Infant Loss Awareness Day.  As I bring this up our coordinator states that her friend from high school created a group called Hope Mommies and they do a box thing for mothers who have lost a child.  My mouth probably dropped wide open - okay God, I get it now.  I piped up to say that the box is called a hope box and that I have one if they would like to see it.  Now I really threw the door wide open and I was about to talk about my journey.  So after explaining the Hope Box and how I was connected to Hope Mommies, our MOPS group is planning to do our service project and provide Hope Boxes to mothers locally in the area.  I am overjoyed to be able to help minister to other moms that will travel down the road I have been on.  

So with our MOPS service project figured out, I knew the next step would be that I would give a devotion / testimony to my new MOPS group.  This was a bit scary as I did not know personally any of these women and sharing my story was a very vulnerable part of my life.  I had a month and half to prepare and in that time I was able to attend MOMcon, which is the MOPS conference.  As I sat in one session led by Margaret Feinberg, her testimony and words that she spoke touched me in a way that I never expected and from this I knew exactly what I was going to say to my MOPS group.  When I came home from a wonderful weekend with 3,100 other women I sat down to write what I felt God wanted me to share with my MOPS group.  Below is my devotion / testimony that I shared with them.  

Have you ever been told about a friend going through a tough situation like a divorce, or just news about a diagnosis you weren’t expecting, or have you ever gone through a tragic loss?

Do you find it difficult to notice goodness in these moments?

I have had many moments in my life where finding goodness is difficult; one is particular sticks out above the rest.  January 7, 2014 was a day that no one could have prepared my husband or myself. 

I was 20 weeks pregnant and we were going in for a routine visit and we were confirming that indeed we were expecting a boy.  See we had already done the blood work test that you find out at 12 weeks, but you still want to make sure it wasn’t wrong, you want to see it to believe it – right!!??  We were a boy household, no girls allowed expect me!! 

As we are getting the sonogram done something just seemed off, I got this gut feeling that we were about to be told something that we were not prepared for and something I did not want to hear.  See I had already been in this position before kind of.

We had many fertility issues and my first IVF, which was also my first pregnancy; I became pregnant with identical twins.  Everything seemed great, we heard their heartbeats and they were strong ones, but at a routine visit we found out that they stopped developing and that I had miscarried.

But now I am 20 weeks pregnant and this doesn’t happen, I am past the scary 1^st trimester period.  The sonographer took us to another room were we waited on the doctor to give us the news.  I clung to the pictures she gave me, praying, hoping that everything was okay.  Our doctor walked in and with a look that was all to familiar she told us that our sons kidneys were not normal and that I had low amniotic fluid.  I LOST IT!!

See before trying to have Spencer I prayed to God that if this was not meant to be that I would rather not be pregnant, I did not want to go through another miscarriage.  Spencer was our 8^th fertility treatment.  Boy did God have other plans for me and for my family.

We had a grueling week at TCH that I refer to as my “Hell” week.  We found out that Spencer was diagnosed with LUTO (lower urinary tract obstruction), which happens to one out of every 5,000 to 7,000 babies, mostly boys.  To help you understand what LUTO is, Spencer was unable to pee in the womb therefore it was causing kidney failure.  We had several tests done to determine if Spencer was able to receive any fetal intervention.  At the end of this horrible nightmare that I could never seem to wake up from, we found out that he was not.

So remember when I asked about noticing goodness.  Goodness was not in the room when the doctors said my son would not live long after he entered this world.  Goodness was not there when we had to tell our son, family and friends.  Goodness was not there when I thought about having to plan a funeral.  Goodness has ceased to exist for me.  My son was living b/c I was giving him life.

We decided that I would carry our precious son until it was time for him to go home to be with Jesus.  I started a blog to inform everyone what was going on just so I didn’t have to repeat everything.  I was introduced to someone that I now call a friend that really helped me during this time as she had gone through something similar.  It was time and Spencer was born March 17, 2014 at 12:34pm and lived a beautiful 31 minutes.  He was truly loved for those weeks I carried him and for the brief time he spent on this side of heaven. 

Psalm 139:13 -16

13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

God does not make mistakes.  It was hard for me to understand at times that he could have healed Spencer at any given moment but his plans for Spencer, for me, for my family were so much greater.

CS Lewis said that God whispers in our pleasures and shouts in our pain.

It took me a long time to realize what God was doing and how He was using family, Spencer, and me.  I will tell you this; I have noticed goodness from my loss.  Spencer has forever changed me and not b/c he is in heaven and I am here, but b/c I know now that God is ALWAYS up to something good.  Now I realize that to notice goodness is to notice God. 

October is breast cancer awareness month but what you may not know is that it is also Infant Loss awareness.  If you know some who has had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or has lost a child hug them a little tighter this month.  Tell them that you remember and they are not forgotten. 

I get asked a lot about what to say to mothers going through this especially if you have never gone through this yourself. 

I read this poem to them...Over and Over Again

I read these cards to them as I feel that these cards are better than saying "I am sorry" to someone when they are going through a tough situation.

Margaret Feinberg - When you don't know what to say

I was able to organize a balloon release on October 15th for our MOPS group and below are a few pics that I took of my son with our balloons for the twins and his brother Spencer.  Thank you for those that came, for those that had a huge impact in getting this approved and those that prayed over those in attendance.  

He truly enjoys doing balloon releases for his brother.

Remembering Spencer on Vacation in 2015

This year we continued our tradition of remembering Spencer while on vacation.  As you may remember from a previous post I wrote, when we go on vacation, we like to take a moment to write Spencer's name somewhere where we are at.  It is fun to discover the perfect place to remember our son.  Below were our spots for The Nelson Family Vacations of 2015.

Our first trip this year was to Utah again for a ski trip.  This year was very bittersweet for us as it brought back memories of how our only family of four vacation was like last year.  This year we brought along wonderful friends with us, specifically our son's "girlfriend," the one he says he will marry one day.  Our son was 3 when we took this trip and his "girlfriend" turned 4 while we were in Utah.  It was fun having the kids there to play together, wonderful adult time, and some darn good breakfasts made by our friends.  We were doing great this year and everyone was having fun - I skied for the first time and our son did great with his ski lessons this year.  The 2nd to last day we were there our son got a stomach virus, which kept us from going to spend the day snow tubing with our friends.  Since I was planning to write Spencer's name in the snow there I asked my friend if she could do it for us.  Below are the pictures she took when her family went snow tubing.  Thank you for taking the time to remember our Spencer for us and we can't wait to travel with you all again.  

Back to Oklahoma again for my family's annual trip to Broken Bow for the summer.  We love our time together there and truly enjoy the outdoors as a family.  I had to chose a different spot this year for Spencer's name since we stayed again at the same place, needed to change it up, but we almost forgot.  So with the limited time left in Oklahoma we decided to go with the place we were having breakfast at.  For it to be last minute, we thought this was pretty clever.  

Yes, I wrote his name in ketchup.

Steven's Gap is where we have had breakfast the last two years and I even think we had the same waitress.  Let me tell you, my family loves potatoes hash browns for breakfast with some ketchup and I bet Spencer would have too.  

Next we are off to the windy city of Chicago.  We had been wanting to visit Chi-Town for so long and finally had the opportunity to go.  Our son has never been to a "BIG" city before so it was fun to watch him explore and enjoy new surroundings.  Here is our Spencer pictures we got there, I am sure you will agree that these were a must to do!!

Beautiful city of Chicago.

If you look closely you can see the Navy Pier in the far back left center.

For our final family vacation of the year, we headed to Nebraska for a family reunion.  This was our sons and my first trip to Nebraska and we had to drive it "for the experience" or at least that is what daddy told us.  I am not a road trip kind of person, so I had to be very patient for this trip since we were on the road for about 28 hours total.  While we were there we got to experience some amazing things, reminisce about how my husband's parents and family grew up and where, and spend quality time with family that we don't get to see much.  While we were there, we got to go to the Nebraska State Fair, it really was so much fun!!  Since we were there with my husband's family, we took a day to go to my father-in-laws family farm.  It was so good to see where he grew up and just hear him tell stories of his childhood and the good ole days.  I knew that the place that we wrote Spencer's name had to be special as this probably would be the only time all the family would be here together.  Thanks to my brother and sister in law for finding me some old barn wood and a nail to write Spencer's name on, it was perfect!!  Most importantly, thank you to my father in law for sharing this part of your life with us, it was truly special to have this day with you.  

Happy Heavenly 1st Birthday Spencer!!

It is hard to imagine that Spencer's has been in heaven for 1 year.  Sometimes I feel like it was just the other day we were told the horrific news of his condition, the day that we welcomed him into this world for such a brief time and said our goodbyes as he left this world for a better place to be with our Heavenly Father.  As I look back on a year where we all longed to experience all of the firsts with Spencer I am always reminded that he is no longer in pain and he does not have to suffer in this world anymore.  Although planning a first birthday party for him would have been a blast and we would have had tremendous amount of fun I can't imagine a better 1st birthday than one in heaven, how amazing that must have been.  As we have done every three months during his first year we again did another balloon release.  We were surrounded by family and friends that joined us celebrating this time of Spencer's brief life here on this side of heaven.  We sang Happy Birthday and our wonderful pastor prayed with us.  Although he is no longer with us, his memory continues to live profoundly among us and his journey is still reaching to countless others.  Spencer, your journey here is still affecting others in numerous way and I couldn't be more proud of you, I am lucky to be your mother.  Happy Heavenly 1st Birthday my precious son!!  We love you!!

I love my son's face on this picture.  He loves doing balloon releases for his brother. 

Our sweet friend who has come to every release with us has unfortunately always had her balloons get stuck in a tree around Spencer's grave.  To no surprise one of hers got stuck again, but...

...this time it flew away.  

Thank you to all my friends and family that were able to celebrate with us.  

So much has gone on in these first 6 months of 2015 that I haven't had a chance to really update the blog.  Later last year my husband received a promotion which led us to making a decision to move closer to his work.  So with Spencer's one year birthday coming up we were also getting ready to list our home on the market.  It was not the best timing and it did make it extremely difficult for us but once again we trusted God's plan for our family.  I prayed that if this was what He wanted that He would make it a seamless process and it would go quickly.  We listed the house the Friday before Spencer's one year birthday and it sold in 10 days.  We will be moving soon to a lease home as we search for another home but with all that happened last year and now more transitions this year I truly give God all the glory and praise because He has never let us go, not once.  Lastly here is a song that touched me and seems perfect for Spencer's 1st Birthday.

“In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.  Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”  Psalm 25:1, 4-5

A Letter to Spencer - Happy 1st Birthday

Spencer,

Today is your ONE year Birthday.  Wow, how time flies!

When we think back to all the one year milestones, we think of….

• Pulling up, maybe even cruising around holding onto the coffee table – the normal “gumby” / shaky legs
• The debating of whether crawling is faster than walking, so you would probably be crawling to jet to your next location.  With two Type A parents, time is about efficiency.
• Words – They would probably consist of “mamamamamama” and “dadadadadadadada” and maybe some animal sounds:  mooooo, baaaahhhhhh, yayayayaya (short for quack quack), rufffff, mmmeeeoooooowww, and you may even have your own way to say things important to you:  Milk, Bananas, Cereal, etc.
• Your hands would probably be the most effective means of getting what you need – by pointing and screaming / crying.
• You probably would love the smell of fresh air and soak in the different smells of trees, pollen, animals (mainly skunks) and car exhaust (we are in Houston ☺)
• Positive reassurances would consist of a big smile, maybe even your own laugh
• Kisses would probably consist of an open mouth needing a towel to dry off the slobber
  
  

With a year to digest all that has happened, there’s many things today that we did not anticipate.  While we heard some of these from parents who lost a child, accepting and understanding them is something entirely different.  

1. Thinking of You – We thought over time, our daily life would return to normal.  More importantly, we felt like we could put a chapter behind us and move forward.  Instead, we find ourselves thinking of you daily – what life would be like with you, what you would look like after 1 year, how would you be different than your big brother, what your personality would be like, how would your big brother / you interact, etc.

2. Time Heals the Pain – We thought time could heal the pain of losing you.  Instead we’ve learned that time doesn’t heal this – we’ve simply learned to live with that pain.  Losing a child, regardless of age or status (born or unborn), leaves an empty void.  We thought it would be like a wound that seals up and heals, instead it just remains an open wound.  Some days it hurts more than other days, but we know it’s always there.

3. Compassion – We’ve learned to be compassionate of others, and especially what others are may be experiencing.  The loss of you is not equal to a loss of a parent, a loss of a sibling, or the loss of an older child.  The pain is different for people at different stages – so we have compassion for all.
   
   

While the pain is difficult on us, the thing that challenges us the most is knowing that your big brother won’t have a sibling to share life with.  That’s probably the hardest for us as parents because we know he would enjoy time with you and that you two would have grown up best friends together.

At the end of the day, there’s time we laugh as a family, there’s time we cry, but most importantly, there’s time we know that you are in a better home, regardless of our selfish desires to have you here with us.  We love you and will miss you always Spencer!

  

9 Months - Balloon Release and Christmas

As Spencer's 9 month anniversary in heaven approached so was Christmas.  Since saying our goodbyes and see you later to Spencer we, as a family, have really felt as if we have dealt with loosing him the best way we can for us.  However as the holidays approached I personally felt that it was getting a little rough for me as a mommy.  I was thinking about all of the moments that I was missing out with not having him with us and being reminded constantly - or at least that is what it felt like for me.  As I sat in the pew at church to watch our son sing in his preschool Christmas program I started to think, I will never get to see Spencer in a program like this, and started to tear up.  As much as I have accepted what we have gone through it doesn't ever make the pain or the ache of longing for my son to be here go away.  As Christmas approached and I  ached for him to be with us during this time I also began to feel a bit jealous of him, jealous that he was getting to spend Christmas with our maker.  What an amazing day it must have been for him, to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and to experience such a glorious time in heaven.  I think the holidays are probably one of the hardest times for those that miss someone close to them that they have lost but I also am reminded by the reason we celebrate.  I am comforted to know that one day I will get to be with Spencer and my family will be together as one again.  

As we have done for Spencer's 3 months and 6 months, we did another balloon release again for his 9 months.  My wonderful friend met me at the cemetery again to release balloons for Spencer.  We laughed after we released them because both of our balloons got stuck in the tree not to far from where Spencer is buried.  Also, on Christmas Day my husband's parents and us went to visit Spencer's grave.  Our first son was insistent to take a gift for him so he grabbed a toy dump truck to put on his brothers grave.  Thanks for all your prayers over  these last several months and I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a Blessed New Year.

Our son really enjoys balloon releases for his brother.

And they ALL get stuck!!

Merry Christmas my sweet Spencer!!