Spencer,
Today is your ONE year Birthday. Wow, how time flies!
When we think back to all the one year milestones, we think of….
Pulling up, maybe even cruising around holding onto the coffee table – the normal “gumby” / shaky legs
The debating of whether crawling is faster than walking, so you would probably be crawling to jet to your next location. With two Type A parents, time is about efficiency.
Words – They would probably consist of “mamamamamama” and “dadadadadadadada” and maybe some animal sounds: mooooo, baaaahhhhhh, yayayayaya (short for quack quack), rufffff, mmmeeeoooooowww, and you may even have your own way to say things important to you: Milk, Bananas, Cereal, etc.
Your hands would probably be the most effective means of getting what you need – by pointing and screaming / crying.
You probably would love the smell of fresh air and soak in the different smells of trees, pollen, animals (mainly skunks) and car exhaust (we are in Houston ☺)
Positive reassurances would consist of a big smile, maybe even your own laugh
Kisses would probably consist of an open mouth needing a towel to dry off the slobber
With a year to digest all that has happened, there’s many things today that we did not anticipate. While we heard some of these from parents who lost a child, accepting and understanding them is something entirely different.
Thinking of You – We thought over time, our daily life would return to normal. More importantly, we felt like we could put a chapter behind us and move forward. Instead, we find ourselves thinking of you daily – what life would be like with you, what you would look like after 1 year, how would you be different than your big brother, what your personality would be like, how would your big brother / you interact, etc.
Time Heals the Pain – We thought time could heal the pain of losing you. Instead we’ve learned that time doesn’t heal this – we’ve simply learned to live with that pain. Losing a child, regardless of age or status (born or unborn), leaves an empty void. We thought it would be like a wound that seals up and heals, instead it just remains an open wound. Some days it hurts more than other days, but we know it’s always there.
Compassion – We’ve learned to be compassionate of others, and especially what others are may be experiencing. The loss of you is not equal to a loss of a parent, a loss of a sibling, or the loss of an older child. The pain is different for people at different stages – so we have compassion for all.
While the pain is difficult on us, the thing that challenges us the most is knowing that your big brother won’t have a sibling to share life with. That’s probably the hardest for us as parents because we know he would enjoy time with you and that you two would have grown up best friends together.
At the end of the day, there’s time we laugh as a family, there’s time we cry, but most importantly, there’s time we know that you are in a better home, regardless of our selfish desires to have you here with us. We love you and will miss you always Spencer!
