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| Remembering my 3 babies - twins and Spencer |
On Friday, October 17th, Spencer's 7 month anniversary in Heaven, I was giving a devotion to my MOPS group. I wasn't really thinking about the date back when I picked it that it would fall on his 7 month anniversary or that October 15th was the day to bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss. I knew that I wanted to incorporate a devotion from my MOPS international book that we received in the mail and to talk about Spencer - to say that God was working through me during this is truly an understatement. My mother suggested that I put this on my blog for others to read so below is my devotion that I gave to my MOPS group. Excuse any grammatical errors - I read this to them.
Devotion: Courage to Be Broken
My name is A. Nelson and I am a mother to 4 beautiful children - L who is 3.5 years old and my only living child. I also have identical twins and most recently a son Spencer, that have all gone on to be with our Heavenly Father. Other than a mom, I am a former high school teacher where I taught Resource Math, Algebra I, and Geometry. I am an organizer for a mommy group and I also am the Membership and financial Coordinator for our MOPS group.
I wanted to read a verse to you that stuck out to me in a time of brokenness and a time that courage and bravery were not at the top of the list.
It says in Psalm 38:8, 9, 15 "I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God."
We struggled for many years with fertility - my first pregnancy was identical twins (conceived through IVF), which later we found out I had miscarried at 9.5 weeks, the same year we did IVF again and I became pregnant with L. Our world seemed perfect until we decided that we wanted to expand our family again. So in August of 2013, I do another fertility treatment and we get pregnant again. I remember praying to God and telling him if this was going to work out - great, but if there were other plans I would rather not be pregnant at all. I didn’t want to go through another miscarriage and if having one child was what our family was supposed to be, then we would be ok with that.
There is a devotion in your book you received from MOPS international called “Courage to be Broken” and the first part of this says, “Until you are broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.” This hit home to me in so many ways. I remember January 7, 2014 like it was yesterday - I was 20 weeks pregnant with our 2nd son, Spencer, and this was the day that my husband and I were told there was something wrong with his kidneys - they didn’t look right and we were told to go downtown to a high risk doctor immediately. It was a day of confusion, anger, frustration - you name it, I was feeling it. This should have been a day of joy and excitement, but instead I am making phone calls to my family and friends to pray for us as tears roll down my face. After 3 brutal days of testing and doctor consultations we learned on January 10th that Spencer had LUTO (lower urinary tract obstruction.) To help you understand what LUTO is, Spencer was unable to pee in the womb, therefore, it was causing kidney failure, and he was not able to receive any fetal intervention to correct his blockage. I remember falling a part after all the doctors and nurses left asking “Why” over and over. I remember thinking that this was all a horrible nightmare and that I would wake up and it would be alright but of course that was wishful thinking. Remember what I prayed for - not wanting to have another miscarriage - I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for this journey I was about to be on. The next few weeks following we were now planning a funeral, memorial service, and picking out a grave marker - we should have been preparing for him to come home with us - washing clothes, putting the car seat in the car and decorating his room. I remember asking God, don’t you remember what we discussed and now this, REALLY!!?? I was angry and wonder why would God give this to my child, why would He make us go through this, why - why - why!!?? I will tell you this, I know that God did not give LUTO to Spencer, we live in a sinful world. However, God will use our brokenness - it says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I started a blog to keep family and friends updated on our journey with Spencer, which was very therapeutic for myself to write it down and not have to repeat it every time I saw someone. I was introduced to a friend that had a similar issue with her daughter and we talked about what I would be dealing with over the next several weeks. I remember asking her am I ever going to be able to say goodbye to him and be ok with all of this. I asked her why she was so at peace with it all, she told me you will get there and you will understand. I carried Spencer till I was 30 weeks, until his condition worsened and doctors told us it was time. Spencer was born March 17th, 2014 (7 months ago today) at 12:34pm and lived a beautiful 31 minutes. I can not explain to you how at peace I was with that day. I remember putting on makeup that morning and fixing my hair telling everyone that I am going to look my best for him. Saying goodbye and I will see you later to him wasn’t easy but knowing that I will see him again makes everything perfect. I admit that I am not all put-together and I am broken - there is courage in saying this. There is part of me that will always miss Spencer, but through God’s words, amazing friends, and family I will embrace my brokenness. So for me today, my “Be you Bravely” is the Courage to tell my story and embrace my brokenness.
As most of you know, October is the month of breast cancer awareness, but it is also a month to bring awareness to infant loss. I challenge each of you to pray for all the mommies around you that might have struggled with miscarriage, still birth, or losing a child to a terminal condition. Some moms may struggle with telling their story, so when they choose to talk to you about it, remember to listen. We as moms never forget our children so try to remember the moms who have struggled with a loss - give those moms hugs when times might be tough for them as they remember their children.
As I close this out, I wanted to read you one last verse - "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16
