A Time to Remember

As you may remember, my family has moved closer to downtown to be near my husband's work.  Before moving I joined a MOPS group close to where we would be and before it started for the semester I was asked to be on the leadership team.  Being part of this group has truly been a blessing and definitely a God thing.  

I attend my first leadership meeting where I meet our coordinator and other members of the team.  As we talked about how the semester and year has been planned out, the topic of our semester service project came up.  As I sat and listened to what they would like to do and suggestions that they had, I kept getting this sinking feeling that God wanted me to talk about Spencer.  As I am sure many moms feel the same way I did that night, I did not want to introduce myself as a mom who just recently buried their child.  I continued to shrug off the God nudge I kept getting, but then the door opened so I peeked through it.  I simply stated that October is Infant Loss Awareness Month and specifically October 15th is Infant Loss Awareness Day.  As I bring this up our coordinator states that her friend from high school created a group called Hope Mommies and they do a box thing for mothers who have lost a child.  My mouth probably dropped wide open - okay God, I get it now.  I piped up to say that the box is called a hope box and that I have one if they would like to see it.  Now I really threw the door wide open and I was about to talk about my journey.  So after explaining the Hope Box and how I was connected to Hope Mommies, our MOPS group is planning to do our service project and provide Hope Boxes to mothers locally in the area.  I am overjoyed to be able to help minister to other moms that will travel down the road I have been on.  

So with our MOPS service project figured out, I knew the next step would be that I would give a devotion / testimony to my new MOPS group.  This was a bit scary as I did not know personally any of these women and sharing my story was a very vulnerable part of my life.  I had a month and half to prepare and in that time I was able to attend MOMcon, which is the MOPS conference.  As I sat in one session led by Margaret Feinberg, her testimony and words that she spoke touched me in a way that I never expected and from this I knew exactly what I was going to say to my MOPS group.  When I came home from a wonderful weekend with 3,100 other women I sat down to write what I felt God wanted me to share with my MOPS group.  Below is my devotion / testimony that I shared with them.  

Have you ever been told about a friend going through a tough situation like a divorce, or just news about a diagnosis you weren’t expecting, or have you ever gone through a tragic loss?

Do you find it difficult to notice goodness in these moments?

I have had many moments in my life where finding goodness is difficult; one is particular sticks out above the rest.  January 7, 2014 was a day that no one could have prepared my husband or myself. 

I was 20 weeks pregnant and we were going in for a routine visit and we were confirming that indeed we were expecting a boy.  See we had already done the blood work test that you find out at 12 weeks, but you still want to make sure it wasn’t wrong, you want to see it to believe it – right!!??  We were a boy household, no girls allowed expect me!! 

As we are getting the sonogram done something just seemed off, I got this gut feeling that we were about to be told something that we were not prepared for and something I did not want to hear.  See I had already been in this position before kind of.

We had many fertility issues and my first IVF, which was also my first pregnancy; I became pregnant with identical twins.  Everything seemed great, we heard their heartbeats and they were strong ones, but at a routine visit we found out that they stopped developing and that I had miscarried.

But now I am 20 weeks pregnant and this doesn’t happen, I am past the scary 1^st trimester period.  The sonographer took us to another room were we waited on the doctor to give us the news.  I clung to the pictures she gave me, praying, hoping that everything was okay.  Our doctor walked in and with a look that was all to familiar she told us that our sons kidneys were not normal and that I had low amniotic fluid.  I LOST IT!!

See before trying to have Spencer I prayed to God that if this was not meant to be that I would rather not be pregnant, I did not want to go through another miscarriage.  Spencer was our 8^th fertility treatment.  Boy did God have other plans for me and for my family.

We had a grueling week at TCH that I refer to as my “Hell” week.  We found out that Spencer was diagnosed with LUTO (lower urinary tract obstruction), which happens to one out of every 5,000 to 7,000 babies, mostly boys.  To help you understand what LUTO is, Spencer was unable to pee in the womb therefore it was causing kidney failure.  We had several tests done to determine if Spencer was able to receive any fetal intervention.  At the end of this horrible nightmare that I could never seem to wake up from, we found out that he was not.

So remember when I asked about noticing goodness.  Goodness was not in the room when the doctors said my son would not live long after he entered this world.  Goodness was not there when we had to tell our son, family and friends.  Goodness was not there when I thought about having to plan a funeral.  Goodness has ceased to exist for me.  My son was living b/c I was giving him life.

We decided that I would carry our precious son until it was time for him to go home to be with Jesus.  I started a blog to inform everyone what was going on just so I didn’t have to repeat everything.  I was introduced to someone that I now call a friend that really helped me during this time as she had gone through something similar.  It was time and Spencer was born March 17, 2014 at 12:34pm and lived a beautiful 31 minutes.  He was truly loved for those weeks I carried him and for the brief time he spent on this side of heaven. 

Psalm 139:13 -16

13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

God does not make mistakes.  It was hard for me to understand at times that he could have healed Spencer at any given moment but his plans for Spencer, for me, for my family were so much greater.

CS Lewis said that God whispers in our pleasures and shouts in our pain.

It took me a long time to realize what God was doing and how He was using family, Spencer, and me.  I will tell you this; I have noticed goodness from my loss.  Spencer has forever changed me and not b/c he is in heaven and I am here, but b/c I know now that God is ALWAYS up to something good.  Now I realize that to notice goodness is to notice God. 

October is breast cancer awareness month but what you may not know is that it is also Infant Loss awareness.  If you know some who has had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or has lost a child hug them a little tighter this month.  Tell them that you remember and they are not forgotten. 

I get asked a lot about what to say to mothers going through this especially if you have never gone through this yourself. 

I read this poem to them...Over and Over Again

I read these cards to them as I feel that these cards are better than saying "I am sorry" to someone when they are going through a tough situation.

Margaret Feinberg - When you don't know what to say

I was able to organize a balloon release on October 15th for our MOPS group and below are a few pics that I took of my son with our balloons for the twins and his brother Spencer.  Thank you for those that came, for those that had a huge impact in getting this approved and those that prayed over those in attendance.  

He truly enjoys doing balloon releases for his brother.

Remembering Spencer on Vacation in 2015

This year we continued our tradition of remembering Spencer while on vacation.  As you may remember from a previous post I wrote, when we go on vacation, we like to take a moment to write Spencer's name somewhere where we are at.  It is fun to discover the perfect place to remember our son.  Below were our spots for The Nelson Family Vacations of 2015.

Our first trip this year was to Utah again for a ski trip.  This year was very bittersweet for us as it brought back memories of how our only family of four vacation was like last year.  This year we brought along wonderful friends with us, specifically our son's "girlfriend," the one he says he will marry one day.  Our son was 3 when we took this trip and his "girlfriend" turned 4 while we were in Utah.  It was fun having the kids there to play together, wonderful adult time, and some darn good breakfasts made by our friends.  We were doing great this year and everyone was having fun - I skied for the first time and our son did great with his ski lessons this year.  The 2nd to last day we were there our son got a stomach virus, which kept us from going to spend the day snow tubing with our friends.  Since I was planning to write Spencer's name in the snow there I asked my friend if she could do it for us.  Below are the pictures she took when her family went snow tubing.  Thank you for taking the time to remember our Spencer for us and we can't wait to travel with you all again.  

Back to Oklahoma again for my family's annual trip to Broken Bow for the summer.  We love our time together there and truly enjoy the outdoors as a family.  I had to chose a different spot this year for Spencer's name since we stayed again at the same place, needed to change it up, but we almost forgot.  So with the limited time left in Oklahoma we decided to go with the place we were having breakfast at.  For it to be last minute, we thought this was pretty clever.  

Yes, I wrote his name in ketchup.

Steven's Gap is where we have had breakfast the last two years and I even think we had the same waitress.  Let me tell you, my family loves potatoes hash browns for breakfast with some ketchup and I bet Spencer would have too.  

Next we are off to the windy city of Chicago.  We had been wanting to visit Chi-Town for so long and finally had the opportunity to go.  Our son has never been to a "BIG" city before so it was fun to watch him explore and enjoy new surroundings.  Here is our Spencer pictures we got there, I am sure you will agree that these were a must to do!!

Beautiful city of Chicago.

If you look closely you can see the Navy Pier in the far back left center.

For our final family vacation of the year, we headed to Nebraska for a family reunion.  This was our sons and my first trip to Nebraska and we had to drive it "for the experience" or at least that is what daddy told us.  I am not a road trip kind of person, so I had to be very patient for this trip since we were on the road for about 28 hours total.  While we were there we got to experience some amazing things, reminisce about how my husband's parents and family grew up and where, and spend quality time with family that we don't get to see much.  While we were there, we got to go to the Nebraska State Fair, it really was so much fun!!  Since we were there with my husband's family, we took a day to go to my father-in-laws family farm.  It was so good to see where he grew up and just hear him tell stories of his childhood and the good ole days.  I knew that the place that we wrote Spencer's name had to be special as this probably would be the only time all the family would be here together.  Thanks to my brother and sister in law for finding me some old barn wood and a nail to write Spencer's name on, it was perfect!!  Most importantly, thank you to my father in law for sharing this part of your life with us, it was truly special to have this day with you.