When we first learned about Spencer's condition, I remember we had discussed briefly how we would handle talking to our then 2 (almost 3) year old about it. During the week of what I call our hell week, our son knew that we had been at the doctors a lot. The first day a friend of mine picked him up from school since we got home late that evening from the hospital and we told him that we had found out that baby brother was very sick and we had to go to the doctors that week to see if they could help him. I remember after returning home on the 2nd day our son came to me when I was laying in bed with his doctor kit and told me that he was going to check me and take care of me and baby brother. I remember thinking to myself, as tears filled my eyes, that he is going to be a great big brother.
After learning that Spencer was not going to receive any fetal intervention we then had to shift gears a bit and let our son know that baby brother was very sick and was not going to come home with us. As time was approaching that Spencer's arrival was going to come sooner than we had expected I remember one afternoon talking with our son and I asked him, "Would you be okay if baby brother went to live with Jesus in Heaven?" The answer from him was a resounding "NO! I want baby brother to live here!" I shouldn't have expected anything else because we too wanted Spencer to come home with us. But now what, how do I get him to understand that Spencer is not coming home with us and we all will have to say our goodbyes and "See you soon!" I didn't want to press the issue too much with him, but knew that I needed to get him to a place where he understood that Spencer was not coming home with us. A few days after our first conversation I brought it up to him again and asked him the same thing, "Would you be okay if baby brother went to live with Jesus in Heaven?" This time his answers was completely the opposite, he said "That's fine." I assured him that Jesus would take really good care of him and that one day, a long time from now, we would see Spencer.
I made sure that our family knew how we had been discussing this with our son and how I would like them to approach the subject in case he had questions or spoke with them about it. As you probably know if you have been reading the blog, our son did get to meet his baby brother and he was so excited to hold him. When he came in the room to meet Spencer we did tell him that baby brother had already gone to be with Jesus in Heaven. I think it was important for him to meet Spencer, hold him, kiss him, and say his goodbye to him. Although he may never remember that very moment except through our constant conversations of Spencer and pictures we reminisce through, we never wanted to question ourselves down the road should we have if we hadn't.
Our son talks constantly about his baby brother and it is so sweet to hear him bring him up. I know that he is and would have been an amazing big brother to Spencer and one day he will get that opportunity when we are all reunited again in heaven. You might ask how I handle certain situations when we are out in public and I will say that I never dismiss him when he brings him up, Spencer was and will always be a part of our family. Since my son attends school where the staff is aware of our loss I have asked that when our son brings up Spencer that they can engage in conversation with him about it, let him tell you all about his baby brother, but I have always asked that they not initiate or start a conversation with him about Spencer on their end. Our son needs to process what we have gone through and I think it is important for him to grieve in the best way for him.
Since our son does speak of his baby brother often, some of his conversations with us catch us off guard because they come at times we don't expect. One conversation that I remember very specifically is this one. I remember sitting in the office and I think I was looking at pictures of Spencer and our son had just woke up from his nap and came to the office to sit with me. This is what he said to me...
Son: I am going to call Jesus and go get Spencer. I need a new car and it wouldn't take long. I will put baby brother in a car seat and bring him home. That okay?
Me: I sure wished we could.
Son: Where does Jesus live?
Me: Heaven
Son: Is it on the right or the left? You can go with me.
Me: I am not sure and I would love to go!!
I remember tears falling from my eyes uncontrollably when this happened but then little giggles from the question, "Is it on the right or the left?"
Shortly after this conversation had happened I picked our son up from school and as always they do a craft every day. As we were walking out to our vehicle he was begging to show me his craft for the day which was a bit unusual for him, he was extra proud of this one today. As I pulled out the paper from his backpack I noticed that the top of the picture said "My Family" and there was four people that he colored and glued on the paper. I asked him who this was and he quickly pointed to each one and said, "This is daddy, this is mommy, this is me, and this is baby brother." I was so surprised but then began to question, did he do this on his own or was this initiated by his teacher. I of course asked and they told me that he insisted on putting his baby brother on there. Melt my heart. Most recently our son did this again when we were at MOPS and they did something similar and it said "Family of Faith." This particular day when I saw this I started to cry in the hallway when I saw it. There are times were I am really good and I don't cry, I smile, but there are times were it is near to impossible for me to contain myself and this was one of those times. Below are the two pictures he colored for us.
So you ask, does our son understand? I will tell you absolutely!! I would say he knows as well as a 3 year old can. I believe that he knows exactly were Spencer is and I think that by keeping our communication open for him is a wonderful thing, Spencer was and still is a part of our family.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11: 1
